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Evil Dead (2013) Reactions

24 Mar

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So I’m currently working on my last essay of my degree beyond my dissertation and a screenplay I have to submit. The essay is on Gothic cinema and its relationship to contemporary horror movies; my choices being The Cabin in the Woods and the Evil Dead remake.

My basic point is going to be how horror has vastly strayed away from the ‘unseen’ aspect of Gothic cinema, and has basically become ‘torture porn’.

I’m a big fan of the original Evil Dead series, and was always wary of this new version. But eventually I sucked up my doubts and whacked it on. I was hooked, and subsequently the notes I was writing veered off topic slightly. So here they are, for your viewing pleasure. Spoilers, Vulgar Imagery and excitably Explicit Language follow (Also, just for the record, I don’t talk like this in real life and Zoe is my sister):

The film begins with a girl being set on fire and then has her head blown off.

Again, it’s about adolescence and overcoming one’s problems. Also has heavy sexual themes, such as the girl being raped by a tree. It’s nice that they deemed that worthy of being brought back for the remake. Kind of like the chick with three tits in Total Recall.

Why they’d willingly stay in such a fucking creepy cabin is absolutely beyond me.

Another theme could be the way the monsters speak as metaphors for real-life issues, such as the group assembling at the cabin to help Mia regain her sobriety. Like her effort to purge herself of her dope, it is eventually necessary to purge her of the evil dead.

The whole ‘evil speeding through the forest’ thing is all about the unseen, although unlike the original film, she does keep seeing it.

And now a tree is about to rape her.

And now a tree is raping her.

God that was strange.

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Who the fuck wrote the Necronomicon; There’s a picture of someone flipping the finger. (But not in that picture, obviously)

Oh. The dog’s dead. Was he called Grandpa? I hope he lived a nice life. He’s not dead though, but I still hope that’s the case. Oh, he is dying though.

On the subject of ‘unseen’, this film makes sure to show you everything, so the unseen thing is pretty far removed from it. All the past crimes are revealed, and every step of Mia’s transformation is in the Necronomicon. Nothing is left to the imagination.

Also, she’s a freaky bitch.

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Is that blood? Whatever it was she just puked it up all over the place. Not very unseen. It’s all pretty in-your-face. Think of a smarter way to put that when you write it down 4 reelz.

Oh. She’s pissing herself. This is gross.

You see Eric bash Olivia’s head in. Again, not subtle.

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Also, I forgot about this before, but why the fuck can Eric read whatever language the necronomicon is written in? This film makes no sense. I love it.

I honestly thought Natalie would make it through until the end. She still might, but I don’t see how. Okay, she’s fucked. “Kiss me you dirty cunt”. Demons are foul mouthed. She just offered to suck her brother’s cock and announced his sister’s being raped in hell. She’s not one for manners.

Is The Cabin in the Woods meant to be a direct piss-take of The Evil Dead? I should probably read that ‘torture porn’ book.

Why do the demons need to possess people to do stuff, but can open doors willy-nilly?

The possessed hand also seems to have made it through. Although it’s far more gory. And it fails. No chainsaw hand for Natalie.

SHOOT HER IN THE FUCKING FACE BEFORE SHE BITES YOUR COCK OFF YOU SILLY TWAT.

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Is this their cabin? I really don’t understand why they own this shithole.

Oh you fucking twat. What the shit is wrong with you. Set the silly bint on fire!

Urgh. What a tease. Flashing a chainsaw at us. Also, doesn’t a girl get buried in Evil Dead 2? This is just leading up to that weird as shit scene where that zombie lass dances around like a weirdo.

Oh shit, Eric’s alive? I feel like I’ve missed something.

Stop concluding that the tranquilizer is the right solution you idiotic ball sack; she’s as strong as the fucking Hulk.

Ooh, has Eric been possessed?

Oh, no. He’s just dead.

Hah, forgot she has arms. I think. I’m not sure if he just buried Natalie or Mia. Whoever it is, why is he digging her up? Stupid prick.

No way is she actually dead. He better die.

Oh, of fucking course. God, this dude’s a fucking ‘tard.

If Zoe pulled any of this shit, I wouldn’t hesitate to throw her in a fire.

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Oh shit. She might actually be cured. She looks like a different actress.

Ahaha, was the coke-head actually the heroine all along?

Haha. Cockhead. Heroin.

He finally did something smart. Good for him. Still glad he got stabbed in the throat. Also, what’s to stop her from getting raped again?

If she turns back to drugs, this would have been hilariously pointless.

Oh, and now it’s raining blood. Even in the context of the film that doesn’t make any sense.

Also, didn’t Natalie lose her hands?

Naked zombie. Totally called it. Hah, ‘Tit’ally. I’m on fire. Kind of like the zombie demons.

I should really look up their name again. (Deadites)

Why the fuck would you crawl into a hole in the forest that raped you? It’s like you want to die.

CHAINSAAAAWWWWWW!

Although it’s not really worth it if it doesn’t replace a hand.

Where did the machete even come from? What is happening? Becki distracted me. WHY DID SHE DROP THE CHAINSAW? I need to go back a bit.

Oh, out of juice, then the zombie cuts the shit out of her. This makes a lot more sense now.

Fucking sweet leg-shot. Good job Mia. Oh shit, chainsaw hand could actually happen! I’ve never been more excited about anything in my life. Or at least since watching Evil Dead 2. God, chainsaw-hand is just the best thing. SHE JUST PULLED HER OWN FUCKING HAND OFF. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!

This is such a major cocktease.

I feel like that’s the wrong expression. Cock has no place here.

“FEAST ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER!” Just yes.

I love this movie. Holy fuck, she just split the bitch in two. She’s a real ‘bitch splitter’. All our stupid house conversations have been leading to this moment.

This is my new favourite film.

If she doesn’t show up in the TV show I might cry. Ash & Mia vs. The Army of Darkness. I’d watch that. I’d pay to watch that. I’d pay to get it made.

This is going to be on my mind for a while.

She walks off into the sunset? What?

No chainsaw hand. What is life?

Oh, is there more?

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At this point I got distracted, but regained concentration just in time to see Bruce Campbell utter his immortal catchphrase.

‘Groovy’.

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Posted by on March 24, 2015 in Film & TV

 

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