It’s hard to ever know what you want.
Recently, I thought I’d been on the up. I figured the sertraline the doc had given me was working pretty well. Things were looking good. They still are. I went to an open day in Falmouth this weekend; I didn’t get to see much of the town or university, but the course seemed amazing and I went to a party afterwards that was pretty good, but more on that later.
No, the problem now in the days following is that once more I’m struggling to know what I want. My friend is heading off to Europe again soon, and it’s made me think. Every time I think I’ve got everything en route to where I want it, I change my mind completely.
For starters, there was this girl I had a thing for (isn’t there always). We got together in the club, but when I a friend convinced me to message her afterwards I got no reply. I know she’s seen the message, despite Facebook claiming otherwise, but that’s not what bothers me. What bothers me is the fact that I figured I really wanted a girlfriend, but as soon as the opportunity began to present itself, I realized I don’t. Not really, anyway. Sure, if the right person came around I’d take the chance, but I’m still not certain.
Secondly, this whole university thing. I am going to apply for a Masters in Professional Writing, but I’ve been wondering if that is actually what I want to do. Obviously, I won’t accept whatever offer I get unless I’m absolutely certain, but the idea of taking up and funding another year in university would pretty much cripple my travel plans.
So what do I want to do?
- I want to win the lottery, first and foremost. But that’s a given. However, it would open up several opportunities that are to follow.
- I want to get a tattoo. It was going to be how I spent my birthday, but I spent too long dallying and now I don’t have the money for it. I’m considering, for my first one anyway, to have the Dudeism symbol tattooed on my wrist. It’s subtle enough that it won’t make me look like a film junkie who’s gotten a bit obsessed, and it actually has meaning for me.
- I want to take a dance class. I love seeing the slick moves of the likes of Usher, Bruno Mars and Michael Jackson sway across music videos, and would love to be able to replicate that. I once had a conversation in which me and a friend debated whether it would be better to be able to sing or to be able to dance. I chose sing, but frankly you can’t just train to have the voice of an angel, whereas you can train to dance better than others.
- I want to get my teeth whitened. I’ve never liked my teeth, and although this morning I thought that they looked cleaner than usual, sometimes I feel like I can’t flash a meaning smile because I feel a bit ashamed of my teeth.
- I want to travel. I want to experience a festival like Oktoberfest in Germany; immerse myself in Asian culture; visit all fifty of the United States.
- I’d like to teach myself to cook properly. I can make food just fine. I can make good food just fine. But I can’t really say I know what I’m doing rather than I know what works for my tastes.
- I want to finally get the ‘summer bod’ that I’ve been claiming to be working towards for the past however many years. Everyone wants that, but I finally have the means to do so, but my drive is waning.
- I want to go soloing; to get the rush of climbing a cliff face without a harness, knowing it could be my end, but proving I’m able enough for it not to be.
- I want to write something. Something good. I’ve just written out a first draft of a screenplay, but it needs a fair bit of adjusting and I obviously can’t judge for myself just how good it is.
I want to be able to tell a good story, and that means understanding, which is something I feel like I can’t really do at this stage in my life. A tad melodramatic, I know, but that’s just how it is.
I want to continue this list, also. But those are the first things that have sprung to mind. I want to know what I want. So until part two, here’s some ‘Legend’ary soul singing: