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Monthly Archives: March 2015

Evil Dead (2013) Reactions

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So I’m currently working on my last essay of my degree beyond my dissertation and a screenplay I have to submit. The essay is on Gothic cinema and its relationship to contemporary horror movies; my choices being The Cabin in the Woods and the Evil Dead remake.

My basic point is going to be how horror has vastly strayed away from the ‘unseen’ aspect of Gothic cinema, and has basically become ‘torture porn’.

I’m a big fan of the original Evil Dead series, and was always wary of this new version. But eventually I sucked up my doubts and whacked it on. I was hooked, and subsequently the notes I was writing veered off topic slightly. So here they are, for your viewing pleasure. Spoilers, Vulgar Imagery and excitably Explicit Language follow (Also, just for the record, I don’t talk like this in real life and Zoe is my sister):

The film begins with a girl being set on fire and then has her head blown off.

Again, it’s about adolescence and overcoming one’s problems. Also has heavy sexual themes, such as the girl being raped by a tree. It’s nice that they deemed that worthy of being brought back for the remake. Kind of like the chick with three tits in Total Recall.

Why they’d willingly stay in such a fucking creepy cabin is absolutely beyond me.

Another theme could be the way the monsters speak as metaphors for real-life issues, such as the group assembling at the cabin to help Mia regain her sobriety. Like her effort to purge herself of her dope, it is eventually necessary to purge her of the evil dead.

The whole ‘evil speeding through the forest’ thing is all about the unseen, although unlike the original film, she does keep seeing it.

And now a tree is about to rape her.

And now a tree is raping her.

God that was strange.

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Who the fuck wrote the Necronomicon; There’s a picture of someone flipping the finger. (But not in that picture, obviously)

Oh. The dog’s dead. Was he called Grandpa? I hope he lived a nice life. He’s not dead though, but I still hope that’s the case. Oh, he is dying though.

On the subject of ‘unseen’, this film makes sure to show you everything, so the unseen thing is pretty far removed from it. All the past crimes are revealed, and every step of Mia’s transformation is in the Necronomicon. Nothing is left to the imagination.

Also, she’s a freaky bitch.

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Is that blood? Whatever it was she just puked it up all over the place. Not very unseen. It’s all pretty in-your-face. Think of a smarter way to put that when you write it down 4 reelz.

Oh. She’s pissing herself. This is gross.

You see Eric bash Olivia’s head in. Again, not subtle.

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Also, I forgot about this before, but why the fuck can Eric read whatever language the necronomicon is written in? This film makes no sense. I love it.

I honestly thought Natalie would make it through until the end. She still might, but I don’t see how. Okay, she’s fucked. “Kiss me you dirty cunt”. Demons are foul mouthed. She just offered to suck her brother’s cock and announced his sister’s being raped in hell. She’s not one for manners.

Is The Cabin in the Woods meant to be a direct piss-take of The Evil Dead? I should probably read that ‘torture porn’ book.

Why do the demons need to possess people to do stuff, but can open doors willy-nilly?

The possessed hand also seems to have made it through. Although it’s far more gory. And it fails. No chainsaw hand for Natalie.

SHOOT HER IN THE FUCKING FACE BEFORE SHE BITES YOUR COCK OFF YOU SILLY TWAT.

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Is this their cabin? I really don’t understand why they own this shithole.

Oh you fucking twat. What the shit is wrong with you. Set the silly bint on fire!

Urgh. What a tease. Flashing a chainsaw at us. Also, doesn’t a girl get buried in Evil Dead 2? This is just leading up to that weird as shit scene where that zombie lass dances around like a weirdo.

Oh shit, Eric’s alive? I feel like I’ve missed something.

Stop concluding that the tranquilizer is the right solution you idiotic ball sack; she’s as strong as the fucking Hulk.

Ooh, has Eric been possessed?

Oh, no. He’s just dead.

Hah, forgot she has arms. I think. I’m not sure if he just buried Natalie or Mia. Whoever it is, why is he digging her up? Stupid prick.

No way is she actually dead. He better die.

Oh, of fucking course. God, this dude’s a fucking ‘tard.

If Zoe pulled any of this shit, I wouldn’t hesitate to throw her in a fire.

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Oh shit. She might actually be cured. She looks like a different actress.

Ahaha, was the coke-head actually the heroine all along?

Haha. Cockhead. Heroin.

He finally did something smart. Good for him. Still glad he got stabbed in the throat. Also, what’s to stop her from getting raped again?

If she turns back to drugs, this would have been hilariously pointless.

Oh, and now it’s raining blood. Even in the context of the film that doesn’t make any sense.

Also, didn’t Natalie lose her hands?

Naked zombie. Totally called it. Hah, ‘Tit’ally. I’m on fire. Kind of like the zombie demons.

I should really look up their name again. (Deadites)

Why the fuck would you crawl into a hole in the forest that raped you? It’s like you want to die.

CHAINSAAAAWWWWWW!

Although it’s not really worth it if it doesn’t replace a hand.

Where did the machete even come from? What is happening? Becki distracted me. WHY DID SHE DROP THE CHAINSAW? I need to go back a bit.

Oh, out of juice, then the zombie cuts the shit out of her. This makes a lot more sense now.

Fucking sweet leg-shot. Good job Mia. Oh shit, chainsaw hand could actually happen! I’ve never been more excited about anything in my life. Or at least since watching Evil Dead 2. God, chainsaw-hand is just the best thing. SHE JUST PULLED HER OWN FUCKING HAND OFF. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!

This is such a major cocktease.

I feel like that’s the wrong expression. Cock has no place here.

“FEAST ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER!” Just yes.

I love this movie. Holy fuck, she just split the bitch in two. She’s a real ‘bitch splitter’. All our stupid house conversations have been leading to this moment.

This is my new favourite film.

If she doesn’t show up in the TV show I might cry. Ash & Mia vs. The Army of Darkness. I’d watch that. I’d pay to watch that. I’d pay to get it made.

This is going to be on my mind for a while.

She walks off into the sunset? What?

No chainsaw hand. What is life?

Oh, is there more?

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At this point I got distracted, but regained concentration just in time to see Bruce Campbell utter his immortal catchphrase.

‘Groovy’.

 
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Posted by on March 24, 2015 in Film & TV

 

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Through the Wormhole

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To really love a movie, I need to fall in love with the soundtrack. Sitting down in the cinema, I need the music to grip me so I can become further enthralled in the spectacle that I am privileged enough to behold. Such was the case in these past few hours when I finally sat down to watch Interstellar.

I had put it off for some time, despite my housemates continuous urging to watch it.

My reasoning was that I was pretty sure I would love it, and as such didn’t want to sit down groggy and half-focused to watch Christopher Nolan’s latest epic. But after giving two university presentations today, I figured this evening was the perfect time.

Hans Zimmer once again does wonders, with his music bringing the perfect amount of intensity to the science fiction odyssey. I’m not sure why the music was the main thing I took away from this movie. The visual spectacle probably would have been the most memorable thing about it, had I seen it in a cinema, but alas, that was not the case.

Perhaps it’s because the movie isn’t perfect. There are some parts of the plot that seem a bit flat, and a fair few others that I thought to be quite predictable. Fortunately, at the climax, when we finally got past all of that, I was able to sit back and enjoy the ride into the Kubrick-esque world Cooper (McConaughey) finds himself in towards the end.

But whatever. I want to watch another film now; something just as magical and wondrous; a science-fiction film that takes you places you can never truly experience and that makes you think about the endless possibilities of ‘what if?’

It makes me think back a few years, when my friend started babbling about a program that would send a select few people of about my own age to go live on Mars. It doesn’t sound very true, and this journey would apparently be a once-in-a-lifetime, but also one-way, trip. But wouldn’t it be fantastic? It would be difficult to leave the earth and everyone you love, but the prospect of encountering the endless beauty of space would be a majestic experience, I’m sure.

I think, perhaps, that’s why I love science-fiction so much. In watching a good science-fiction film, you’re travelling further than you ever can in the real world, and for a much cheaper price, seeing things more fantastical than you can ever imagine.

God, I love the cinema. I haven’t been in ages. Maybe if I wasn’t so horrendously poor I would go more often.

Student life.

 
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Posted by on March 10, 2015 in Film & TV, Life

 

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What I Want

It’s hard to ever know what you want.

Recently, I thought I’d been on the up. I figured the sertraline the doc had given me was working pretty well. Things were looking good. They still are. I went to an open day in Falmouth this weekend; I didn’t get to see much of the town or university, but the course seemed amazing and I went to a party afterwards that was pretty good, but more on that later.

No, the problem now in the days following is that once more I’m struggling to know what I want. My friend is heading off to Europe again soon, and it’s made me think. Every time I think I’ve got everything en route to where I want it, I change my mind completely.

For starters, there was this girl I had a thing for (isn’t there always). We got together in the club, but when I a friend convinced me to message her afterwards I got no reply. I know she’s seen the message, despite Facebook claiming otherwise, but that’s not what bothers me. What bothers me is the fact that I figured I really wanted a girlfriend, but as soon as the opportunity began to present itself, I realized I don’t. Not really, anyway. Sure, if the right person came around I’d take the chance, but I’m still not certain.

Secondly, this whole university thing. I am going to apply for a Masters in Professional Writing, but I’ve been wondering if that is actually what I want to do. Obviously, I won’t accept whatever offer I get unless I’m absolutely certain, but the idea of taking up and funding another year in university would pretty much cripple my travel plans.

So what do I want to do?

  1. I want to win the lottery, first and foremost. But that’s a given. However, it would open up several opportunities that are to follow.
  2. I want to get a tattoo. It was going to be how I spent my birthday, but I spent too long dallying and now I don’t have the money for it. I’m considering, for my first one anyway, to have the Dudeism symbol tattooed on my wrist. It’s subtle enough that it won’t make me look like a film junkie who’s gotten a bit obsessed, and it actually has meaning for me.
  3. I want to take a dance class. I love seeing the slick moves of the likes of Usher, Bruno Mars and Michael Jackson sway across music videos, and would love to be able to replicate that. I once had a conversation in which me and a friend debated whether it would be better to be able to sing or to be able to dance. I chose sing, but frankly you can’t just train to have the voice of an angel, whereas you can train to dance better than others.
  4. I want to get my teeth whitened. I’ve never liked my teeth, and although this morning I thought that they looked cleaner than usual, sometimes I feel like I can’t flash a meaning smile because I feel a bit ashamed of my teeth.
  5. I want to travel. I want to experience a festival like Oktoberfest in Germany; immerse myself in Asian culture; visit all fifty of the United States.
  6. I’d like to teach myself to cook properly. I can make food just fine. I can make good food just fine. But I can’t really say I know what I’m doing rather than I know what works for my tastes.
  7. I want to finally get the ‘summer bod’ that I’ve been claiming to be working towards for the past however many years. Everyone wants that, but I finally have the means to do so, but my drive is waning.
  8. I want to go soloing; to get the rush of climbing a cliff face without a harness, knowing it could be my end, but proving I’m able enough for it not to be.
  9. I want to write something. Something good. I’ve just written out a first draft of a screenplay, but it needs a fair bit of adjusting and I obviously can’t judge for myself just how good it is.

I want to be able to tell a good story, and that means understanding, which is something I feel like I can’t really do at this stage in my life. A tad melodramatic, I know, but that’s just how it is.

I want to continue this list, also. But those are the first things that have sprung to mind. I want to know what I want. So until part two, here’s some ‘Legend’ary soul singing:

 
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Posted by on March 3, 2015 in Life

 

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