When you’re drunk, your true emotions and feelings seem like they’ve been highlighted, so although I was still a little bit drunk when I wrote the first draft of this, most of its words rang true.
I’d been thinking up several witty lines to start off my first entry of the year, but I’ve either forgotten all of them or they’ve become obsolete due to the time that has passed.
But alas; I’m going for it anyway. A summary of everything Stéphane Emrys Moungabio related flowing through my mind as I go into the New Year, with as much potency as it can reflect going into the New Year, a Stephanalysis, if you will:
So I just got back to Leicester earlier, which I’ve been referring to as home the entire time I’ve been in Wales. Truth is, whichever house I’m in, I refer to the other as home. Last year, it was because I didn’t feel comfortable in either space. I’ve warmed up to both now, but it’s still a habit.
I think it may also be because I get bored of places pretty quickly. A few days is enough for me. It’s partly why I want to be a travel writer. I want to remain on the move at all times. As such, my favourite things reflect that goal. I bought a Stetson at Monument Valley which cost me about $96.35. It’s my most prized possession, and although I don’t wear it all that much (cowboy hats in North Wales is a trend that has yet to truly catch on) I would honestly be distraught if anything happened to it. In fact, I don’t really like anyone touching it because I’m doubtful of how well crafted it is.
Along with the hat, my favourite songs are ‘Down in the Valley’ by The Head and the Heart:
and ‘Home’ by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes:
because they remind me of the best weeks of my life, and it pains me a little bit when I think of it because I miss it that much. Ridiculous really; it was just a holiday.
My other favourite songs are ‘Rather Be’ by Clean Bandit and Jess Glynne, who I’m a little bit in love with:
‘Try a Little Tenderness’ by Otis Redding:
and probably ‘Suspicious Minds’ by Elvis Presley:
These three songs cheer me up no matter what mood I’m in.
I also love watching films; particularly Science Fiction and Fantasy; because they are so far removed from the real world. My favourite pastime is going to the cinema. I enjoy nothing more than just sitting in the darkness for a few hours, giving my all to whatever magical story is placed in front of me and forgetting everything that is going on in the outside world.
Because the real world seems harsh and unforgiving. Despite that, I do believe that everything works itself out in the end. It’s why, although I joke about it, I believe in Dudeism. The whole idea agrees with me, and my belief in it has really taught me why spirituality is so important to people around the world.
In fact, my mum suggested I do something special for my 21st, so I’m considering getting the Dudeist symbol tattooed on my arm, because to me, it would be a constant reminder of spirituality, my belief that everything will sort itself out, and that there is no point getting worked up over the smaller things.
She doesn’t know about those meanings, so that idea she doesn’t agree with so much; she doesn’t like tattoos, and knows getting a tattoo somewhere in sight will limit my employment opportunities. But for the aforementioned reasons, I don’t want a prestigious job where appearance is key. Something of that ‘importance’ wouldn’t suit me. As I previously mentioned, I want to be a writer, or a fireman, because I admire that profession. I think I would be happiest just moving from job to job, place to place, in small town America, and writing about my experiences.
It would be difficult though, because it would mean leaving my friends behind for large amounts of time. And I mean really difficult, because I love my friends. They’re the best people in the world. They put up with my stupidity on a continuous basis, and I really appreciate it.
My family are also really important to me. I was honest a couple of hours ago when I told my sister I was really going to miss her going back to University. Especially when I asked who I was going to annoy without her around, and we both named one of my housemates in unison and shared a laugh.
Likewise, my mother is one of the people closest to me. Like my friends, she continuously puts up with my shit, but supports me nonetheless. I probably don’t tell her how much I appreciate it enough, if at all. I should probably start (although she has this blog in her bookmarks, so she’ll be reading this soon enough).
Unfortunately, my family isn’t what it once was, as around Easter of 2013, in one fortnight, I broke up with my last girlfriend, my dog/best bud Raggs was put down and my grandmother passed due to a blunder by a trainee doctor. As such, I don’t trust doctors as much as I used to. There are other reasons, obviously, and I acknowledge there are good doctors out there, but that’s a post for another time.
The world is a lesser place without my gran in it. Her name was Nina Dawson. She was a teacher who took in people that had no place to go. And everyone loved her. One of my biggest regrets is the fact that I didn’t spend enough time with her before she died. In truth, I neglected her a bit, and it was only when I was holding her hand in the hospital, as she looked at me, seemingly oblivious to my identity due to her condition, that I really realised what a mistake I had made.
In my family, besides my mum, my gran was always the one I felt the most connected to, and the fact that she’d seemed to forget me was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life.
That’s not my only regret, obviously. I’d like to sing Sinatra on my deathbed, but saying I have “Too few [regrets] to mention” would be a huge lie.
But my other primary regret would be the way I’ve made a blunder of my love life mostly due to excessive alcohol consumption. I know everyone my age drinks a lot, and I’m not bothered about that. I just wish I hadn’t ruined my chances with some of the people who, outside of my family, meant the most to me. There is one girl in particular. We have a weird relationship. She’s a close friend of mine, and I care about her a lot. But she made the right decision not going out with me. I made a lot of mistakes, and there’s nothing that can change that. I’m careless. I’m not as smart as people think; I’m just generally a bit of a mess, especially when you review my love life and my phone history.
But reviewing it only gets you half the story, no one knows my faults as well as I do; no one really knows about the cocktail of poor self-esteem, loneliness and general self-loathing that constantly resides in my mind. But if we’re honest, my problems are pretty minor in the grand scheme of things. I acknowledge that people suffer a lot more than me, and I count myself lucky for the privileged life I lead.
As I said before: Dudeism. What will be will be. Life goes on. Things will sort themselves out. No point complaining about it.
In truth, I wasn’t sure if I would post this. When I started writing, it was a means of sobering up and killing time in a long car journey. But I figure I might as well. I get all of this out there, and I’ve done my confessions for the year. In truth I hate telling people stuff about my feelings and all that crap. My friend used to describe me as being a brick wall when it came to emotion, and in truth I was a bit better off that way. But once you open the floodgates…
So yeah. I think that’s everything. Other important points would be that I fucking love anything Ke$ha or pug related.
I’m also digging Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars’ new music video ‘Uptown Funk’:
The song is a bit worn on me now, but the styles and the choreography are beautiful. If I turn out to be half as swish as those gentlemen, I’ll be a happy man indeed! Also loving James Blunt’s most recent album. But I digress. If you want to read about that (although I doubt it), there’s a post on James a month or two back.
But there we go. I’ll be back soon enough with my resolutions; I don’t actually make mine until my birthday. New year for me and all that.
So here’s to twenty fifteen, and my goal of going back to America, the long way round.